although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Meow?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary