I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys