I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.