GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.