The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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