🚲+physics = winner
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Oops
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*