how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
You Might Also Like
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
God has left this place
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I got bills
They’re multiplying
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just say no