Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.