Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?