I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.