[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.