[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?