Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
A woman drives into a bar.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.