Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
this country is so goddamn polarized
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog