*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.