Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Extremely relatable.