A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Genius idea!!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??