Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.