Florida be like…
You Might Also Like
Seals are just dog mermaids.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Breaking news:
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”