When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.