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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck