me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
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BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
multitasking lunch
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Have a lovely day 😊