once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
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The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.