high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
You Might Also Like
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Ha.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!