Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
This could be us, but you weedin’.