*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc