no
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
50 shades of grey = my Liver
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.