[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
the saddest jazz hands ever
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
😂💯
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Beware of the dog..
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*