If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…