I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
That’s no pocket rocket.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
They’re the worst 😩
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself