I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
You Might Also Like
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.