A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
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[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.