I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Google Pay be like:
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what