5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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I’m awake but I object,
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.