Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Succinctly put.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]