when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.