Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
You Might Also Like
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
From Facebook just now…
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.