I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.