me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Shortcut
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that