“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.