me doing my best
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Print is alive and well!!!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys