I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*