*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.