[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My sex drive has a dui
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’