Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.