If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic