Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.