[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
me when I see my crush
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?