HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Camping tip: No.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.