Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.